Well, I haven't been on for a few days. Up until today I was sober... and miserable! The abscess on my breast turned out to be a spider bite and caused me some serious pain. On Monday I was able to get a hold of two pain pills which helped so much! The spider bite drew to a head and burst on Tuesday and started to look a lot better. Now I have a small round hole on my breast and majority of the redness and swelling is gone. Let me just say for all the men and small breasted women out there when you are large or over sized in the breast department having one of them grow even larger sucks and having them unconfined (bra less) when every movement causes pain sucks even worse... AND wearing a bra on swollen and overly sensitive breasts is unthinkable! I ended up solving my dilemma by wearing a tank top, a sports bra and a t-shirt. To top it all off.... I usually sleep on my stomach (don't ask me how with huge boobs but I do) and that was impossible... and being sober means sleeping almost constantly so it was a painful restless sleep.
My bf and I decided earlier today that we weren't feeling too terribly bad, however the house was a wreck because with both of us kicking neither one of us was particularly motivated to practice good homemaking skills. The kitchen was horrifying, the living room nothing but a clutter and the bedroom has dirty clothes piled up. So today we felt half human and actually went for a walk to the grocery store with our dog and then walked to the park and ate lunch picnic style. Well... shortly after arriving home (still neither one of us had the energy to tackle the chores) we started watching a movie and our connection showed up and he was out of stuff and has been for a few days (we haven't really asked for any since we currently owe him $60 and owe one of our other connections $40 of which we don't have and don't know when we are going to have). Anyway... he asked my bf for a tool to take apart the door on his vehicle to get a bag of dope that he lost in there about a month ago. My bf got the tools, helped him take apart the door and we got high! Yeah, I can almost hear the disappointment from anyone willing to read this... I'm disappointed in myself too especially knowing since we made it through probably the roughest first few days and there was some sort of light at the end of the tunnel...now it's back to square one. That's what addicts do though... get high, come down... get high.... repeat! Do you want to know what the definition of insanity is?
INSANITY: repeating the same process and getting the same results INSANITY=ADDICT
The high is starting to wear off but on the up side.... the kitchen got cleaned, a real meal got cooked and the living room looks a little bit more presentable. Tomorrow it's back to day one on the sobriety train... all aboard!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Spider Bite? Abscess? Inflamed Cancer?
It's been a few days and I know what you were thinking, it's because I was high and tweaking. NOPE... actually I'm more prone to write when I'm high as opposed to when I'm not. I love playing on my computer when I'm high and when I'm not high, I barely go near it unless it's to watch a movie or tv show on it.
I just haven't been feeling 100% lately. At first I thought the dope we got was cut with something cuz my body just feels achy (especially though out my joints-ankles, knees, shoulders, elbows, wrists and down my spine), and that's usually what happened when I get dope that has cut in it but usually it's when i'm kinda coming down. I started feeling horrible within 30 min. of smoking it. I hate people that cut dope... it's pure greediness so they can stretch it further and make more money. I would much rather get uncut dope and have it weigh a little bit less than get dope that has cut in it and depending on what is used to cut it... deal with the negative effects the cut may have. That's one good aspect of slamming dope... with the cotton when you draw up the dope in your syringe the cotton filters out a lot if not all of the cut..but if you are a slammer and some of the cut gets through the filter and you are going to have a negative reaction to the cut it's way worse if you inject it then if you smoke, snort or eat it.
Right now though, I'm not to sure my aches is from cut dope because I have what appears to be a spider bite on my breast and throughout last night and today the redness and swelling has gone from being the side of a dime to being the size of a grapefruit. I swear the red swelling is now over 1/3 (if not more) of my boob. I was looking online and it could be an abscess, spider bite, OR.... Inflamed breast cancer??? Have you ever heard of that? I was shocked after I read about it and doctors often miss diagnosing it because it presents as a spider bite, it comes on fast and spreads extremely quickly. They also said it's difficult to detect through a mammogram because it doesn't present as a lump or mass but the cancer cells are more like a sheet of cells. That is so freaking scary! As if women don't have enough to worry about with breast cancer (it seems like it's gotten more and more common over the years) but this inflamed breast cancer just seems wicked and harder to detect. I'm sure that's not what I am dealing with (although I do have a family history of cancer and breast cancer at that) but if it doesn't start looking better by Mon. I am going to see a doctor... and if it gets any worse before Monday then I am heading to the E.R. It just hurts so freaking bad, and it doesn't help at all that I am very large in the breast department and with the pain I can't imagine putting a bra on (OUCH) but not wearing a bra hurts also because they are unsupported, which means they move around more which makes the sensitive area move around more causing more pain. UGH!
For any of you reading this and assuming that this is an abscess and it's from using Meth.... well, that typically only happens to people that inject it and it's from some of the drug going outside the vein or by missing the vein completely. I don't inject it.. I have in the past but that was over 9 yrs. ago. AND... I'm not one of those tweakers that has all the scabs and holes all over my body. That's just gross, not ALL tweakers do that and it's irritating that majority of the portrayal of meth use that's almost ALWAYS the way it's portrayed. You would actually be surprised at the number of people that use meth on a regular basis and you would never be able to tell. Like me and my bf.... we still eat everyday, we still sleep every night, and we aren't sucked up at all, we don't have sores on our faces/bodies etc.... It's a common misconception and it does irritate me but on the other hand it makes it easier for me and my bf to go undetected as meth addicts because we don't fall into the stereotype meth addict. Oh yeah... we both have all of our own teeth and none of them are black and rotten. I actually had a cop ask me how long I had been using and at that time it was around 5 or so years and he looked at me shocked and said "Wow, and you still have all your own teeth and they are in good condition" and here it is 9 years after that and I still have all my own teeth and they are still in good condition. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
I'll keep you posted on this growth on my chest if it gets any worse I'm gonna suck it up and see a doctor.
TOODLES
I just haven't been feeling 100% lately. At first I thought the dope we got was cut with something cuz my body just feels achy (especially though out my joints-ankles, knees, shoulders, elbows, wrists and down my spine), and that's usually what happened when I get dope that has cut in it but usually it's when i'm kinda coming down. I started feeling horrible within 30 min. of smoking it. I hate people that cut dope... it's pure greediness so they can stretch it further and make more money. I would much rather get uncut dope and have it weigh a little bit less than get dope that has cut in it and depending on what is used to cut it... deal with the negative effects the cut may have. That's one good aspect of slamming dope... with the cotton when you draw up the dope in your syringe the cotton filters out a lot if not all of the cut..but if you are a slammer and some of the cut gets through the filter and you are going to have a negative reaction to the cut it's way worse if you inject it then if you smoke, snort or eat it.
Right now though, I'm not to sure my aches is from cut dope because I have what appears to be a spider bite on my breast and throughout last night and today the redness and swelling has gone from being the side of a dime to being the size of a grapefruit. I swear the red swelling is now over 1/3 (if not more) of my boob. I was looking online and it could be an abscess, spider bite, OR.... Inflamed breast cancer??? Have you ever heard of that? I was shocked after I read about it and doctors often miss diagnosing it because it presents as a spider bite, it comes on fast and spreads extremely quickly. They also said it's difficult to detect through a mammogram because it doesn't present as a lump or mass but the cancer cells are more like a sheet of cells. That is so freaking scary! As if women don't have enough to worry about with breast cancer (it seems like it's gotten more and more common over the years) but this inflamed breast cancer just seems wicked and harder to detect. I'm sure that's not what I am dealing with (although I do have a family history of cancer and breast cancer at that) but if it doesn't start looking better by Mon. I am going to see a doctor... and if it gets any worse before Monday then I am heading to the E.R. It just hurts so freaking bad, and it doesn't help at all that I am very large in the breast department and with the pain I can't imagine putting a bra on (OUCH) but not wearing a bra hurts also because they are unsupported, which means they move around more which makes the sensitive area move around more causing more pain. UGH!
For any of you reading this and assuming that this is an abscess and it's from using Meth.... well, that typically only happens to people that inject it and it's from some of the drug going outside the vein or by missing the vein completely. I don't inject it.. I have in the past but that was over 9 yrs. ago. AND... I'm not one of those tweakers that has all the scabs and holes all over my body. That's just gross, not ALL tweakers do that and it's irritating that majority of the portrayal of meth use that's almost ALWAYS the way it's portrayed. You would actually be surprised at the number of people that use meth on a regular basis and you would never be able to tell. Like me and my bf.... we still eat everyday, we still sleep every night, and we aren't sucked up at all, we don't have sores on our faces/bodies etc.... It's a common misconception and it does irritate me but on the other hand it makes it easier for me and my bf to go undetected as meth addicts because we don't fall into the stereotype meth addict. Oh yeah... we both have all of our own teeth and none of them are black and rotten. I actually had a cop ask me how long I had been using and at that time it was around 5 or so years and he looked at me shocked and said "Wow, and you still have all your own teeth and they are in good condition" and here it is 9 years after that and I still have all my own teeth and they are still in good condition. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
I'll keep you posted on this growth on my chest if it gets any worse I'm gonna suck it up and see a doctor.
TOODLES
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Methods of getting high
Well, it's day two and I'm back!
Just in case you don't have first hand knowledge of drug addicts and their behaviors I'm gonna clue you in on a lil' secret.... Addicts are NOT very reliable. So the fact that I have posted something two days in a row... WOW! J/K! Actually, for an addict I am pretty responsible, reliable, and believe it or not trust worthy. That is extremely rare to find in a drug addict... some drugs make being responsible, reliable and trust worthy EXTREMELY difficult, if not IMPOSSIBLE and Meth is one of those drugs. A meth addict will steal something from you and then spend the next two hours helping you look for the item that they stole. Seriously this is not an exaggeration. Don't get me wrong... not ALL meth addicts are like that but someone on a good run and completely spun... yeah, it happens all the time.
Anyway... I'm a lil high right now. I smoked some when I first woke up and I just smoked a little bit more about 10 min. ago. In case anyone was wondering... Smoking is my method of choice. I have tried snorting, eating and slamming it. My sinuses/allergies are horrible so snorting it would just contribute to the suffering I already endure. I used to eat it (the first two years of my addiction because I was too retarded to figure out how to smoke it and get a GOOD hit... which is so NOT the problem now). I have also slammed it which probably has the biggest stigma associated with it. I have tried it BUT I have never and will never be able to hit myself and if you can't hit yourself, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. The high is a good one I must admit BUT... I think for me personally its a combo of the anxiety of the "shot" aspect of it and the dope going directly into your bloodstream. WOW! It is a different high, actually I personally think the high is different no matter how you do it. Eating it was a really good high for me and the lack of paraphernalia was a bonus. I used to take antibiotic capsules and empty them out, fill it with meth and no one was the wiser, you could take it at work, at a restaurant... where ever you wanted. It also made a good excuse if you weren't able to get anything before you had to go to work, my boyfriend would hook up while I was at work and then fill some in a capsule and bring it to me at work saying I forgot my medication. I think now the actual smoking part is part of the addiction because even though I liked the high of eating it, I just don't do it anymore.
Anyway, I am going to start dinner and throw some laundry in the washer. I may write more later.TOODLES
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Getting settled in...
Hello to anyone stumbling across my blog... come on in, kick your shoes off and make yourself comfortable. As I am sure most of you can tell from the name of my blog "Tweaker Ramblings" I am a drug addict and my drug of choice is Methamphetamine or METH for short. I have been using off and on (mostly on) for roughly 14 years. When I use, it's not just for recreation/social oh no... I use and head straight into full blown addiction using just about every day (if possible). I have stopped using on 3 separate occasions for short periods of time. I think the longest amount of time in the 14 years that I was sober was about a year and a half.
Wanna hear the crazy part of the times I've gone sober? All three times, I sobered up on my own without being thrown into a treatment facility or jail (well, of course when I went to jail but that was for no longer than 5 days and as soon as I got out I was getting high again). I have gone to treatment but I was sober on my own for 3 months prior to being admitted into rehab. Let me tell you the rehab experience for me personally was a HUGE joke. The 3 months prior to being admitted I was sober on my own then I enter into inpatient treatment for 30 days and in that 30 days I got high and when I graduated from treatment I was given a little graduation present which consisted of an 8 ball of meth (an 8 ball is 3.5 grams and worth a few hundred dollars). Following the inpatient treatment I then went to outpatient treatment 2 days per week plus the required amount of meetings (I think 4 a month) and on several occasions I showed up to meetings high or to outpatient group sessions high and not one person ever suspected (if they did they didn't ever say anything) and not once through out the entire 7 months was I ever drug tested. Tell me that system isn't FLAWED.
So a little bit of background on me... at 15 I started drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed. I moved out on my own right after turning 16 and I continued to smoke cigs/weed and drink alcohol. I got married at 17 and stopped smoking weed, drank on occasion but continued to smoke cigarettes. Oh yeah and I tried acid one time when I was 16. For the most part I stayed sober (drinking occasionally) until I reached the age of 28 and I initially started smoking weed again and shortly after that I was introduced to Meth. I am sure you have all heard the story... it made me feel energized, strong, on top of the freakin' world. The very first time I did it it was given to me in a capsule with a glass of water. It took about 30 min. or so before I started feeling the effects of it and yeah... I loved it! I didn't dive right into full blown addiction.... It was more of a "party" thing at first and gradually it became something that my body needed to function. One of the things that REALLY sucks when you become a daily user is you no longer get drugs to get high... nope once you reach a certain point in your addiction (at least for me anyway) I no longer "get high" but instead I get drugs to "become normal". After awhile my body needs the drugs to get out of bed and function and my use of them is just to pull myself up to be the way most people are without drugs. I'm not going to lie there are a few occasions that I come across some exceptional batch (that's a term I use for meth, I call it either batch or shit) and I get spun but that's very rare and the good shit comes along every now and again but when it's no longer around it makes it that much harder to even get to the "normal" because my body got used to good shit... OR.... there have been times when I've had extra money so I was able to purchase more than normal so I got to use more allowing me to actually "feel" something resembling being high but those occasions are few and far between.In the 14 years (off and on) I have been using I have experienced every aspect of Meth. I have used it just about every way you can.... eating, snorting, and slammed it. I have purchased it from dealers, I have been a dealer, and I have even cooked it. I have made money from it, lost money because of it, and I have lost EVERYTHING not once but TWICE because of it. I have also been arrested twice because of it but because of luck? a guardian angel? Poor police work/procedures? The one thing that I haven't experienced (knock on wood) and I hope I never do experience is being convicted of a drug crime because of it.
If nothing else, my years of usages has at least provided me with a little bit of knowledge and currently I do use almost everyday but my risks are bare minimum. My dealer is within walking distance, no traffic, no drama and I'm not partying... I basically use it to get out of bed and not experience the body aches and pains, the excessive exhaustion and the extreme bitchiness/emotional breakdown that I go through when I don't have it.If there anyone out there reading this that was once addicted to Meth for a long period of time and went sober and has been able to remain sober for a long period of time? If so.... do you still ever get cravings? Do they ever totally haunt you?
Well.... this is a long enough rambling for my first blog post. Hopefully anyone that actually read this didn't fall asleep half way through.Till next time....
TOODLES
Wanna hear the crazy part of the times I've gone sober? All three times, I sobered up on my own without being thrown into a treatment facility or jail (well, of course when I went to jail but that was for no longer than 5 days and as soon as I got out I was getting high again). I have gone to treatment but I was sober on my own for 3 months prior to being admitted into rehab. Let me tell you the rehab experience for me personally was a HUGE joke. The 3 months prior to being admitted I was sober on my own then I enter into inpatient treatment for 30 days and in that 30 days I got high and when I graduated from treatment I was given a little graduation present which consisted of an 8 ball of meth (an 8 ball is 3.5 grams and worth a few hundred dollars). Following the inpatient treatment I then went to outpatient treatment 2 days per week plus the required amount of meetings (I think 4 a month) and on several occasions I showed up to meetings high or to outpatient group sessions high and not one person ever suspected (if they did they didn't ever say anything) and not once through out the entire 7 months was I ever drug tested. Tell me that system isn't FLAWED.
So a little bit of background on me... at 15 I started drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed. I moved out on my own right after turning 16 and I continued to smoke cigs/weed and drink alcohol. I got married at 17 and stopped smoking weed, drank on occasion but continued to smoke cigarettes. Oh yeah and I tried acid one time when I was 16. For the most part I stayed sober (drinking occasionally) until I reached the age of 28 and I initially started smoking weed again and shortly after that I was introduced to Meth. I am sure you have all heard the story... it made me feel energized, strong, on top of the freakin' world. The very first time I did it it was given to me in a capsule with a glass of water. It took about 30 min. or so before I started feeling the effects of it and yeah... I loved it! I didn't dive right into full blown addiction.... It was more of a "party" thing at first and gradually it became something that my body needed to function. One of the things that REALLY sucks when you become a daily user is you no longer get drugs to get high... nope once you reach a certain point in your addiction (at least for me anyway) I no longer "get high" but instead I get drugs to "become normal". After awhile my body needs the drugs to get out of bed and function and my use of them is just to pull myself up to be the way most people are without drugs. I'm not going to lie there are a few occasions that I come across some exceptional batch (that's a term I use for meth, I call it either batch or shit) and I get spun but that's very rare and the good shit comes along every now and again but when it's no longer around it makes it that much harder to even get to the "normal" because my body got used to good shit... OR.... there have been times when I've had extra money so I was able to purchase more than normal so I got to use more allowing me to actually "feel" something resembling being high but those occasions are few and far between.In the 14 years (off and on) I have been using I have experienced every aspect of Meth. I have used it just about every way you can.... eating, snorting, and slammed it. I have purchased it from dealers, I have been a dealer, and I have even cooked it. I have made money from it, lost money because of it, and I have lost EVERYTHING not once but TWICE because of it. I have also been arrested twice because of it but because of luck? a guardian angel? Poor police work/procedures? The one thing that I haven't experienced (knock on wood) and I hope I never do experience is being convicted of a drug crime because of it.
If nothing else, my years of usages has at least provided me with a little bit of knowledge and currently I do use almost everyday but my risks are bare minimum. My dealer is within walking distance, no traffic, no drama and I'm not partying... I basically use it to get out of bed and not experience the body aches and pains, the excessive exhaustion and the extreme bitchiness/emotional breakdown that I go through when I don't have it.If there anyone out there reading this that was once addicted to Meth for a long period of time and went sober and has been able to remain sober for a long period of time? If so.... do you still ever get cravings? Do they ever totally haunt you?
Well.... this is a long enough rambling for my first blog post. Hopefully anyone that actually read this didn't fall asleep half way through.Till next time....
TOODLES
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