Well, I haven't been on for a few days. Up until today I was sober... and miserable! The abscess on my breast turned out to be a spider bite and caused me some serious pain. On Monday I was able to get a hold of two pain pills which helped so much! The spider bite drew to a head and burst on Tuesday and started to look a lot better. Now I have a small round hole on my breast and majority of the redness and swelling is gone. Let me just say for all the men and small breasted women out there when you are large or over sized in the breast department having one of them grow even larger sucks and having them unconfined (bra less) when every movement causes pain sucks even worse... AND wearing a bra on swollen and overly sensitive breasts is unthinkable! I ended up solving my dilemma by wearing a tank top, a sports bra and a t-shirt. To top it all off.... I usually sleep on my stomach (don't ask me how with huge boobs but I do) and that was impossible... and being sober means sleeping almost constantly so it was a painful restless sleep.
My bf and I decided earlier today that we weren't feeling too terribly bad, however the house was a wreck because with both of us kicking neither one of us was particularly motivated to practice good homemaking skills. The kitchen was horrifying, the living room nothing but a clutter and the bedroom has dirty clothes piled up. So today we felt half human and actually went for a walk to the grocery store with our dog and then walked to the park and ate lunch picnic style. Well... shortly after arriving home (still neither one of us had the energy to tackle the chores) we started watching a movie and our connection showed up and he was out of stuff and has been for a few days (we haven't really asked for any since we currently owe him $60 and owe one of our other connections $40 of which we don't have and don't know when we are going to have). Anyway... he asked my bf for a tool to take apart the door on his vehicle to get a bag of dope that he lost in there about a month ago. My bf got the tools, helped him take apart the door and we got high! Yeah, I can almost hear the disappointment from anyone willing to read this... I'm disappointed in myself too especially knowing since we made it through probably the roughest first few days and there was some sort of light at the end of the tunnel...now it's back to square one. That's what addicts do though... get high, come down... get high.... repeat! Do you want to know what the definition of insanity is?
INSANITY: repeating the same process and getting the same results INSANITY=ADDICT
The high is starting to wear off but on the up side.... the kitchen got cleaned, a real meal got cooked and the living room looks a little bit more presentable. Tomorrow it's back to day one on the sobriety train... all aboard!
Never give up trying.
ReplyDeleteThx Chell... not sure if anyone even read this or not. I have been sober before and I know it's a much better whay of life. Maybe part of my addiction is to the chaos and the chasing the high? I've seriously calmed my ways over the years. When I first started using I was your typical run amok tweeker doing everything all at once but getting absolutely NOTHING done. Now... I'm more of a "functioning addict" I don't hang out with other tweekers, I don't run amok at all, and I associate with very few people. I have my "people" that I get from and that is it. I haven't posted in like 3 months (getting ready to post something new) because a lot has been going on and I have actually been using less and less. There is hope for me yet! Thanks for reading and commenting.
DeleteHope gets me by with life in general. If we dont have hope we might as well give up. It is important to always keep trying to quit. I know there is hope for you. :) You are a good writer. Have you ever thought about writing a book? I see the title now, Scaredy Gurl-my insane addiction. Something to think about. You never know, you might help someone along the way. :)
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